Look, look, look...I posted.

I would just like to say that Blogger has kinda come and gone like Xanga did. But I'm bringing it back. :)

There has been so much that has happened since I last posted, that I can't even begin to talk about it. So I won't. All I will say is that the only thing that has been constant, is my God's love. The one constant through it all.

My prayer today, as it was last night... "God, fill my heart with Your love, so that there may be no room for anything else."

I am Writing a Blog..

because I haven't done that since October. But I sit here with the same problem. I'm not sure what to write about. There is school, which is almost over. I am in the middle (well more near the end) of two online RCC classes, which are very time consuming. I mean really, they end up being like 6 week classes so they have something for us to do like every minute of the week. And then I will be taking my last class at CBU for my degree. Operations Management. With Dr. Pardee. I don't know if you guys know the story behind this, so I will share it one more time. As a Business major, you have to take Business Stats. After you pass Business Stats, you then take Operations Management. Well I had Stats with Pardee last June. It was all going fine, until somehow he did not receive my last assignment...the one worth the most points, the one that made me fail the class without having it. Yeah...it was no good. I spent like two months trying to work things out with him, because I had done the work and turned it in, so I felt a little cheated...and he wanted to make sure that I actually did the work, and wasn't just trying to get a grade. So we went back and forth, I eventually got the Dean involved...and three months later I had a B in the class. However, by that time, Operations Management had already come and gone. I would have been able to graduate in December if everything would have worked out, but God had bigger plans I guess. So now I am taking the next available class...and since I am a night student, this is the only one that is available. Pray for me. Although I am pretty good at letting things go, I can't help but think this is going to be a really hard class for me. Other than that I graduate in three months (if everything goes well). I can't believe it. It has literally flown by. Graduation always leaves me a little sentimental. It just seems weird to be shutting a whole part of my life. Four years that have been the most *insert adjective here* of my life. It has really been a whole slew of things for me. And it is coming to an end...to what? I really don't know. But God does, and the more that I rest and trust in that...the better off I will be.

Work is going really well. There have been a lot of changes that have really made me enjoy my job...which I didn't think I would ever say. I don't know what I am going to do with it. There are a lot of opportunities opening up, so I am just going to wait and see what happens, and then move from there. Lord, let me not move unless You move me.

My walk has been interesting. It seems at times that adjective is the only one that fits. There has been a person in my life lately that has challenged me in such a way that it has pushed me on to something good. I think that I needed that, and I know that God knew that. So I am thankful for that, but a little cautious...I am able to change myself for one person without even knowing it. So I am doing my best to make sure that it is all coming out of a desire that I have for my God...and not a desire I have to please this person.

I have been realizing how lucky I am to have the friends that I do. I mean God really knows what He is doing. There are so many great people that have impacted my life, and I am really so lucky to know them, let alone call them friends. I just wish that I was better at showing it. But I am trying. I need to be less selfish...and I need to remember that I NEED people. I don't like to share my struggles, or my worries, or my faults...but that is not how God designed me...He created me to be surrounded by the church so that I can be built up, so that I can see Him more clearly, so that I can learn to love.

All pretty random I know, but this is my life lately.

I Am Falling in Love With Hillsong...

Probably because my church uses them a lot. This song is amazing...

All for Love - Hillsong

All for love a Father gave
For only love could make a way
All for love the heavens cried
For love was crucified

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
But still You forgiveIf only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

Let me sing all for love
I will join the angel song
Ever holy is the Lord
King of Glory
King of all

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
But still You forgive
If only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

All for a love a Saviour prayed
Abba Father have Your way
Though they know not what they do
Let the Cross draw man to You

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

So True!

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world todayIs Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lipsThen walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

I stole this from Jo. :)

I Haven't Written Much Lately...

There is a reason for that. I have come to a place in my life where I have no idea who I am. I mean, I know that our purpose is found in Him, but where does that leave me. Who am I? I see people who may struggle with things, and kinda have no idea what they are doing, but they know who they are. They have things about them that they do, that are unique to them, that when it comes down to it, that is who they are. The more I surround myself with people that can define themselves, the more I become ambiguous. Just kinda empty. I guess that is the best way to describe it. Void of anything important. Again, not in reference to my life, but in reference to me as a person. I am...plain. And I have fought against that for so long. I do that in new cars, in new clothes, in things I can buy, in anything that will make me stand out of at least a minute. And then it is gone, and I am back to just being plain. I don't have anything that defines me. No way to distinguish myself from anyone else. Everything that I do, for the most part at least, has been influenced by the people around me, and you can see that in the way that I change based on the person I have been spending the most time with.

I used to think it was a good thing. To not have a style, to be able to fit in with whatever circumstance or thing was going on around me, but lately it has become more of a burden. If I do not even know how I feel most comfortable...how do I know who I even am?

I don't know...maybe it is just a different form of insecurity. The fear of never being special enough. Never standing out. Regardless, it has been bothering me lately. And yet, the apathetic side of me takes over and doesn't encourage me to change it. Pointless.

Yesterday was three years since James died. Three years. I didn't even remember until this morning. I guess that fits...

Appropriate

"We will all come to the point in our life where we have to admit that we feel defeated, that something has conquered us. We must change, not because we want to, but because we desperately have to. We can not take life in its current suffocating state, even to admit such desperation shows that we are feeling deserted, wandering the barren desert, a shell of our former selves. It is only up from here, it is impossible to sink any lower into ourselves or our circumstances. But we can be salvaged, a deliverance. No vice can stand, no fix can take. The thorn in the side can be removed, but you have to be willing to admit and surrender. Surrender your habits, your lifestyle, your past, your present, and your future. This is your new surrender. The new surrender."

-Stephen Christian

"And I'll Take the Truth at Any Cost"

So lately, this has been a theme in my life. Truth. In more ways than one. As I expressed in my last post, my desire is to be transparant in my life. I want to be able to tell someone that they can trust me and mean it. I want the lieing to stop. A hard thing to do, but something that is necessary. Something that I beleive will be a huge step in me growing as a person. Learning to take responsibility for my actions, and no longer being afraid of people's opinion of me.

This is also a theme I want to see worked out in relationships in my life. I will take the Truth about people, about their feelings, about how we relate together, at any cost. I feel so often that since I know I can't be trusted, that I do not trust others. A small slip, can break the fragil trust i give someone in the beginning. I'm not sure if that is good or not. Maybe I trust people to easily, and trust should be gained. Maybe I don't trust people enough and trust should be given until it is lost. I don't know. But the thing is, I desire truth. I would prefer to know the worst about someone, or how they feel, then go on living a lie with them.

And yet there is so much more than that. Jesus Himself said, "I am the Way, the TRUTH, and the Life". I desire His Truth. Him. All that He is. I desire that, above all. Ahh...the words that I wish I could say honestly. The truth is, I don't desire Him above all, but another great truth, He is showing me how to do this more and more every day. Everyday I find myself desiring Him more than I had before. It is a great thing. A desire I don't think I have had in a long time. He has a long way to take me, and that is a great thing. That means the more time I get to spend with Him. The truth is, I can't survive without Him. So the more that He builds or requires this desire for Him, the better it is for me. Selfish.

In the end, may all glory go to Him