Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I Haven't Written Much Lately...

There is a reason for that. I have come to a place in my life where I have no idea who I am. I mean, I know that our purpose is found in Him, but where does that leave me. Who am I? I see people who may struggle with things, and kinda have no idea what they are doing, but they know who they are. They have things about them that they do, that are unique to them, that when it comes down to it, that is who they are. The more I surround myself with people that can define themselves, the more I become ambiguous. Just kinda empty. I guess that is the best way to describe it. Void of anything important. Again, not in reference to my life, but in reference to me as a person. I am...plain. And I have fought against that for so long. I do that in new cars, in new clothes, in things I can buy, in anything that will make me stand out of at least a minute. And then it is gone, and I am back to just being plain. I don't have anything that defines me. No way to distinguish myself from anyone else. Everything that I do, for the most part at least, has been influenced by the people around me, and you can see that in the way that I change based on the person I have been spending the most time with.

I used to think it was a good thing. To not have a style, to be able to fit in with whatever circumstance or thing was going on around me, but lately it has become more of a burden. If I do not even know how I feel most do I know who I even am?

I don't know...maybe it is just a different form of insecurity. The fear of never being special enough. Never standing out. Regardless, it has been bothering me lately. And yet, the apathetic side of me takes over and doesn't encourage me to change it. Pointless.

Yesterday was three years since James died. Three years. I didn't even remember until this morning. I guess that fits...

No comments: