Wednesday, September 17, 2008

"And I'll Take the Truth at Any Cost"

So lately, this has been a theme in my life. Truth. In more ways than one. As I expressed in my last post, my desire is to be transparant in my life. I want to be able to tell someone that they can trust me and mean it. I want the lieing to stop. A hard thing to do, but something that is necessary. Something that I beleive will be a huge step in me growing as a person. Learning to take responsibility for my actions, and no longer being afraid of people's opinion of me.

This is also a theme I want to see worked out in relationships in my life. I will take the Truth about people, about their feelings, about how we relate together, at any cost. I feel so often that since I know I can't be trusted, that I do not trust others. A small slip, can break the fragil trust i give someone in the beginning. I'm not sure if that is good or not. Maybe I trust people to easily, and trust should be gained. Maybe I don't trust people enough and trust should be given until it is lost. I don't know. But the thing is, I desire truth. I would prefer to know the worst about someone, or how they feel, then go on living a lie with them.

And yet there is so much more than that. Jesus Himself said, "I am the Way, the TRUTH, and the Life". I desire His Truth. Him. All that He is. I desire that, above all. Ahh...the words that I wish I could say honestly. The truth is, I don't desire Him above all, but another great truth, He is showing me how to do this more and more every day. Everyday I find myself desiring Him more than I had before. It is a great thing. A desire I don't think I have had in a long time. He has a long way to take me, and that is a great thing. That means the more time I get to spend with Him. The truth is, I can't survive without Him. So the more that He builds or requires this desire for Him, the better it is for me. Selfish.

In the end, may all glory go to Him

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Where I have been lately

I feel that this is not only a question I have been asked a lot, but a question I have been asking myself a lot lately.

Where have I been?

The easy answer, at home. Sitting. Reading. Being lazy. Not doing much. Just living...kinda.

The not so easy answer, I have no idea. I have been floating though ideas, through emotions, through thoughts, through situations. I haven't really been grounded in a while. So floating...kinda.

At Sandals on Sunday, the message challenged always. It was about being real, a theme I see a lot in them. But it was about being real with everyone. This idea brought a lot of attention to an area in my life that I struggle with a lot. I won't necessarily say most often, because there are so many things that I struggle with that I am not really sure which one wins out, but I know that the frequency of this one makes it a huge thing in my life. Lying. It is strange how I can lie to people often, and yet when I tell them that I lie, they choose to think that THAT is not true. I mean really. I lie often. And when I say often, I mean often. About stupid stuff. But the more that I think about it the more that I realize that I do it ALL the time. I can't think of one person I haven't lied to. I do it. And the problem is, that I don't even think about it anymore. It just kinda happens, comes out, and I let it go. I am not saying this to say that I am going to change, or that I will never lie again, that would just be adding to the cycle. But I am saying this to let you know I guess. There are so many things I am not truthful about. So many times that I am not honest. So many things that you can't believe. I am not a person you should trust.

That being said, I am trying. Pastor Matt encouraged people to write down the things that we struggle with most on a band around our arms. It is this bright green thing that clashes with everything. Thus the point. So when someone stares and asks us what it is...we tell them. It says that I struggle with lying, pride, fear, doubt, and unbelief. And the things that I am hiding most are out there. For everyone to see. And know. And I am exposed.

And I am exposed. Interesting isn't it? How the thing we sometimes fear most is being found out, and yet Jesus Himself said, "The Truth shall set you free".


I don't know where I am, and as graduation and life approaches, I have even less of an idea of where I am going.

I am here.

I have been here.

And as long as I stay here, I hope that a better version of me starts to shine through.