Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Where I have been lately

I feel that this is not only a question I have been asked a lot, but a question I have been asking myself a lot lately.

Where have I been?

The easy answer, at home. Sitting. Reading. Being lazy. Not doing much. Just living...kinda.

The not so easy answer, I have no idea. I have been floating though ideas, through emotions, through thoughts, through situations. I haven't really been grounded in a while. So floating...kinda.

At Sandals on Sunday, the message challenged me...as always. It was about being real, a theme I see a lot in them. But it was about being real with everyone. This idea brought a lot of attention to an area in my life that I struggle with a lot. I won't necessarily say most often, because there are so many things that I struggle with that I am not really sure which one wins out, but I know that the frequency of this one makes it a huge thing in my life. Lying. It is strange how I can lie to people often, and yet when I tell them that I lie, they choose to think that THAT is not true. I mean really. I lie often. And when I say often, I mean often. About stupid stuff. But the more that I think about it the more that I realize that I do it ALL the time. I can't think of one person I haven't lied to. I do it. And the problem is, that I don't even think about it anymore. It just kinda happens, comes out, and I let it go. I am not saying this to say that I am going to change, or that I will never lie again, that would just be adding to the cycle. But I am saying this to let you know I guess. There are so many things I am not truthful about. So many times that I am not honest. So many things that you can't believe. I am not a person you should trust.

That being said, I am trying. Pastor Matt encouraged people to write down the things that we struggle with most on a band around our arms. It is this bright green thing that clashes with everything. Thus the point. So when someone stares and asks us what it is...we tell them. It says that I struggle with lying, pride, fear, doubt, and unbelief. And the things that I am hiding most are out there. For everyone to see. And know. And I am exposed.

And I am exposed. Interesting isn't it? How the thing we sometimes fear most is being found out, and yet Jesus Himself said, "The Truth shall set you free".

Freedom...

I don't know where I am, and as graduation and life approaches, I have even less of an idea of where I am going.

I am here.

I have been here.

And as long as I stay here, I hope that a better version of me starts to shine through.

1 comment:

Melissa Ashley Leveck said...

hmmm. I miss you Kim. Alot. I know that God has great plans for you. i love how the Lord reveals to us the areas in our lives where He wants to take control.And its so nice when those struggles, burdens and fears are lifted from our grasp and the one thing that takes the place of those strongholds....His love. thank the dear Lord that He is not done with us yet and that His ways and thoughts are higher and better than ours.
Love you Kim.